Tuesday, September 23, 2014
August 13th, 2008 everything changed for us.
I was sitting in a chair next to a desk in the triage room waiting for the results. She was young, but she was gentle and kind. A breath of fresh air from other doctors I had been seen by. She grabbed my hand and apologetically told me I lost my baby.
I nodded my head and struggled to fight back the tears. I didn't want her to know just how broken I felt inside. She looked up at my husband who was standing on the other side of me, then walked away giving us some time to grieve before she would process all the details of exactly what was going on inside my body.
I lost it.
I sunk in the chair and weeped uncontrollably. This baby I had prayed for and wanted so badly was gone and eventually I would be an empty womb in the coming weeks.
But Jesus was alive and active that night and He was about to do something in our hearts that would forever change the way we lived.
Our community group was with us that night. We were a group of couples, some deeply struggling with their faith and marriage. They stayed with me late into the evening, sitting together in the ER waiting room. They cried with me, held my husband when he broke down, and never wavered.
Jon and I would spend the next weeks on our knees praying for Jesus to reveal His glory through it all. I wanted something big to come from the pain. And today, a little over 6 years later He's still revealing His glory.
We've been on an adventure ever since. All we were chasing became but a vapor to what Jesus was doing in us and among us, and we'd lived a life distracted from His glory and His call to anyone who wanted to follow him: "deny himself and take up his cross and follow me". Luke 9:23
A few weeks after we miscarried our first baby, our friend in our community group who we had been praying for, was baptized in our pool with his wife and kids, and our entire church family there to support him. He shared how Jesus had revealed just how amazing and deep His love is as he walked alongside us during our miscarriage.
A life for a life.
Jesus wasn't finished with us. He wasn't finished with the little life He created that was gone before I ever got to feel a flutter or kick. No. Jesus was starting a revival in our hearts that would lead us on a crazy adventure.
Because it is never about things, bigger houses, comfortable living, and entitlement with Jesus.
With Jesus it's about His Glory, it's about the salvation of people, it's about the dying, the lost, and the broken.
With Jesus, it's about sacrifice. It's about dying to your own selfish ways. And when you come to a place where Jesus has been calling you, you find yourself in a place you've always wanted all along.
This is a place where your desires are His desires. Your ways are His ways. You love what He loves. It's a place where suffering is counted as joyful and death is gain. It's a place where you find yourself apart from all that the world tells you, maybe even broke, broken, and down, but your soul looks up to the heavens and smiles, because He's there smiling with you.
This is where we are and I have a feeling He's about to take us even deeper.
5 years ago He called us away from the American dream and into a life yoked with Him, and it simply is an adventure!
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Dear Future Son In Law,
She's almost five now and I get excited thinking about the kind of story you two will share one day. I imagine the moments when she'll come home and she'll be all googly eyed for you and tell me all the grand feelings she'll have for you. It is one of my favorite parts of being a mama to girls.
But I really want you to know something...
The day we give her away to you, we will give you the biggest parts of our lives. We will hand you the first moments we held her. We will hand you the cries and cuddles, the giggles and all the emotional roller coasters we'll have gone through. We'll hand you every piece of her, because on that day, she will be yours. All yours.
We may not like you at first, well, daddy may not like you at first, and it may be rough awkward times, and I'll give you a piece of advice now, hold tight, don't waiver, stick around, and he'll come around. Because you have to understand, you aren't just getting his daughter, YOU WILL BE GETTING WHAT HE WAS MADE FOR.
I pray now that you'll grow into a gentleman that understands that her heart is our heart. Her face, her hands, her hair, and those big brown eyes are everything we lived to protect, nurture, and raise to be the beauty you'll fall in love with. We have staked our entire lives on investing all that we have into raising her so that she'll be the woman you want to raise kids with, the wife you look forward to coming home to, and the woman you spend the rest of your life being loved on by.
Currently, she's excited to meet you. We pray at night that you are nice to her and other people, that you have a beard like daddy, and have lots of hair on top of your head. Sometimes, she'll pretend you two are already married and she'll prance around the house in my high heels and tease her daddy that you two got married without his blessing. She's currently named you Billy Jerry, so we'll see how that goes.
She's excited. And I'm excited.
Because when we hand her to you, we are not only fully stepping back and giving you our little girl, but we're also asking you to be a part of us. I'm excited for the times your father in law will stand out in the driveway and chat with you for hours. I'm excited for the first time we'll hug you and congratulate you on our grand-baby. I'm excited for the family gatherings and all the memories we'll make once you're in our lives.
Because you falling for her, means you're her family now and you become ours. And I promise, that while we prune her for the years ahead, we'll be pruning ourselves for fully letting go and letting you in. I promise you that.
So, future son in law, I've got you deep in my heart as I pray for my daughter and as I give of myself each day, because I know our time with her is limited and one day she'll be yours.
In Jesus Name I rest my trust for the two of you.
You're future mother in law
(P.S. I promise that name will be a pleasant one you speak)
Thursday, July 24, 2014
I've been really torn about this blogging thing. Really torn. I've liked being away for a while. Some of you may have been following me on instagram, but pulling away from blogging and facebook has given me time to really process some hurts, some missteps, and whether or not I'd get back into blogging.
And here's the truth... I'm nobody famous. I'm not a professional. I'm not that cool. I definitely don't have my stuff together. I don't have special home maker skills and I most definitely am not a writer. And those truths about me have been the whispers that have kept me from blogging.
Why in the world would anyone want to keep up with me? Who do I think I am that I can have a blog and claim to be an expert on anything? I've written so many posts that never get published and just save as draft. Sometimes it's been good for me to write as I process experiences, imagine it's been read and move on. Why do I need the "published" feature anyway? Why is it that I need to put this "stuff" out there?
I thought long and hard on the season in my life that blogging was a big part of. Blogging was a way for me to find a comfort that life isn't meant to be lived alone. I was challenged to live harder, with more adventure and fervor than I could have ever imagined on my own. During that time in my life, I didn't have friends to socialize with and come over for play dates or invite me to coffee. I slowly started escaping into a digital world. And I remember the email I received from someone calling me out and claiming that my "blogging" friends only tell me what I want to hear and that my reality is far from anything I could find on the internet...........
I remember that email well. I slowly started questioning everything I'd put online. My posts were few and farther and farther apart. I let her words eat at me.
What I forgot was that I did indeed have a reality. My blogger friends started inviting me to coffee. My blogger friends were the ones who skyped me on days that I needed someone to talk to. My blogger friends became REAL life friends.
And still to this day, many of them still are. They are the ones that hold me accountable. Challenge me when I get complacent, and are some of the first to send a note or email when they know that I'm having a hard time. It became a community of people who were going through similar things in life, having similar convictions, and wanting the same kind of adventure. We found encouragement in each others writings and well, we really liked looking at each other's pretty pictures we'd take, because YES, sometimes I dress up JUST FOR A PHOTO and NO, I do not look like this all the time.
So I got my booty in check and realized that I want to blog because I love it. I want to blog because I can. I want to blog because for me, blogging is a part of my personality- the whacky, crazy, storytelling, mind processing personality- and its my avenue to let ya'll into a part of our lives as we carry on this adventure of ministry and how we're navigating the waters of a life of living simply.
So if you're still around.... maybe, just maybe you are......... I'm starting again. So here goes.........