Saturday, November 28, 2015

This Choice and Her Pain

She's so delicate. Her spirit so fragile.  She's only five and the weight of our choices are heavy for her.  

As a parent, we're constantly making choices that affect the whole.  Some smart, some lacking wisdom.  Some selfish.  Some selfless.  Some little.  Some drastic.   We carry the weight of the repercussion of our choices, but sometimes, it lingers onto the innocent hearts of the little ones we raise. 

Recently we've made a decision that is drastically changing the course of our family.  Our lives from this point on will look nothing the same as it once did.  And this girl, this five year old girl, is in the direct fire of the results of that choice.  It's hard to watch her ride it through.  

I know the pain will lead to a new season of goodness.  There's so much her heart will learn and grow from this time of great heart ache.  This choice of ours, we pray, shapes her into a woman who sees something greater than herself and her own world.  In the meantime, I ache, I hurt, I question, whether our choice was necessary and right because the pain seems too much for her fragile heart to bear.   

As she lays her little head on her pillow pouring her pain through tears as she weeps over the choice we made that has daddy leaving us for a long time, I know this is the perfect time to soak this in and write her a letter- so that when the day comes where this season is all over- we have this- this moment- to look back on.

A Letter To You Joss:
My sweet baby.  I'm sorry this feels too hard to do.  It hurts.  I know, baby girl, it hurts.  But we'll get through this.  It will end.  I promise.  This moment isn't our forever.  So let's do this.  You and me and Joleen.  Lets ride these long nights and these lonely days and lets seek adventure and  make the most of what we've got.  I know this is hard on you and its hard on me to know that you have to go through this in order for your dad and I to get to where we want to be as a family.  

Daughter of mine, we will fail you.  We will mess this thing up.  I wont always hold my strength.  I wont always be what you need me.  But baby girl, I will give everything I have left in me to help you make it out as best as I can.  And with whatever you see, may you just see that what carries me through, is the same thing carrying you in the dark moments.  

Baby girl, may you see Jesus.  May you see that no matter what comes from our new future, that you see we aimed our eyes at our God who loves you so deeply.  I pray, my sweet Joss, that from this you come to find a strength deep within you that you were made to be.  I pray that you rise from this with far more beauty in your soul that no pain could take away.  I pray that you gain eyes for a purpose greater than yourself.  

Precious girl of mine, I pray you are brave and stay true.  This time is just a part of your story growing you into who you are meant to be.

I love you.  To Jesus and back, my girl, I love you!

Your mama.  

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Relevant + Raw

My friend Britney started a custom woodworking shop where she makes these amazing custom wood decor (and furniture pieces if you're local to the SoCal area).  She recently launched her online shop and I couldn't be more amazed at how her hard work turned out.  I already have a few of her pieces but as I've been visually (or more like pinterest) decorating our future home when we finally get one, I've been browsing her new pieces.

I'm a huge fan of her raw style within the collections, but you can also find these pieces come in custom stains.

You can check her online store at and her instagram & facebook.
honeycomb collection via

sign collection via

square collection via
triangle collection via

Monday, October 19, 2015


I have sort of been avoiding Sweet Tea & Co for a while.  I delicately packed up each and every tea cup & saucer and placed them in a storage unit as we wait out this season of "waiting".  Currently my husband is in the Air Force DEP program and leaves December 1st and we wait from now until the end of winter to know what is next for us in terms of location, home, lifestyle, etc.  It's a season I have to really put my dreams in tissue paper and bubble wrap for a while.  

But that's ok.

It's giving me time to really focus in on Sweet Tea & Co, finalize the details and work hard at launching it well (at least I hope).  And I'm believing that in this time of waiting, God's working too.  I've been praying for others who love what I love and live passionately for community to be a part of making Sweet Tea and Co really come to life.

So it may be a while before Sweet Tea & Co really gets to launch itself out there.  It may be a while before all the hard work and late nights of investing in this baby come together.  But I haven't given up on it.  You'll see hints drop from time to time as I get this thing launched.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Our Parking Spot

Oh how I have so much to share, but right now, it's late, I'm giddy, and this moment I want to remember.  For all of my days.

This is us.  Sitting on the hood of our car in the parking spot we'd always park in back in high school over 12 years ago.

Friends of ours offered to take the girls so we could watch one of our youth girls sing in the High School Choir.  Walking on the school campus brought back a flood of memories of my skinny insecure days of chasing this guy around campus.

After the performance, we walked the campus sharing memories of where we'd sit in the lunch courtyard and the kind of thoughts we remembered having of the cute boy or girl that would walk by.  Then I grabbed his hand and all the teeny bopper crush feelings flooded me over and I wanted to go make out in the back seat of my car, but alas, with both of us being 50lbs heavier than we used to be back in the days of sneaky car make out sessions, simple pecks and car hood selfies sufficed.

But it was almost just as good.  Two kids later, 10 moves and 14years of calling each other "mine", really does get better with time.  And boy, does this guy age WELL!

I wish I could capture this moment and hold it deep within so that when the lonely nights of his BMT creep up on me, I can pull this out and remember all we had and all we still have yet to have.

He dated me the rest of this night; taking me to ice cream and talking deep theological talks.  He held my hand and turned down the music when I started to cry at the thought of him leaving.  He's really good to me.  He really, really is!